Have you ever noticed how scared people are of thinking about things other than kittens and internet memes? Darkness. Everyone knows it is there, just patiently waiting for you to slip during the day. Then night falls, and you feel extra human.

If you try to talk about it, people either get worried or weirdly defensive. Please do not intrude on their bubble of happy animal pictures. Then, one day, you get run over by a bus full of crying vegans, and people act extra surprised. “Wut he was such a happy person!”

It makes sense, I guess. Everyone has their demons.

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We’re all dead.

Everyone asks, “why do we have to die?” The real question is, “were we ever born?”

If time and space are just series and series of moments and events that we can’t see but are there…

And organisms on the other side of the universe can exist in our past, present, and future all at the same time depending on the direction of their movement relative to us…

Then where is start and when is finish?

There is no beginning or end. There only is.

The universe expands in all directions infinitely…

It’s continually expanding.

Or has it already expanded? Is it still here?

If NOW is relative depending on where you are in space-time…

Then everything has already happened.

Why am I conscious right now?

What is NOW if not infinite temporal iterations throughout space and time? There is no singular moment known as NOW because NOW is all times for all things.

The Universe is one giant VHS tape, everything already recorded.

Nothing I do means anything.

I don’t exist.

There is no “I.”

I’m just a series of events recorded on the fabric of time and space that have already happened and will be happening for eternity, on repeat, until nothing because there is no end. . .

In some parts of the Universe, the Universe is still being born.

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Not here.

A pile of dirt on the road.
Rain is falling.
Pile of dirt on the road.
Rain is falling.
Pile of dirt.
Rain is falling.
Rain is falling.

Rain is falling.

Rain is falling.

Rain is falling.

Rain is falling.

Rain is falling.

Rain is falling.

Rain is falling.

Rain is falling.

A slight drizzle.

A slight drizzle.

A slight drizzle.

A slight drizzle.

A slight drizzle.

There is no rain.

The clouds are breaking.

There are no clouds.

The sun shines.

There is no sun.

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What I Want

It’s a drug. It’s a hug. It’s a tug at the heart. It’s adrenaline when all you can do is lay in your bed and stare at the ceiling. It’s the biggest downer pill when you’re trying to go about your day. It’s nightfall when your sunglasses look too good to take off. It’s a shot of whiskey that wears off too quick. You wish you could cry but instead you’re stuck smiling. It’s the best advice you’ve ever seen drunkenly scribbled across a bathroom stall door. It’s the vibration of your phone in your pocket when you’re phone’s on your desk. It’s the sweetest laugh you’ve ever heard in your life from the dumbest thing you’ve ever said. It’s eyes that lack judgment. It’s beauty without imperfection because to have an imperfection must first mean perfection exists. It’s writing poetry when you think you’re stupid. It’s listening to the same fucking song 30 times in a row and vibing with it every time. It’s wishing you could sleep in 36 hours straight and still be able to go to sleep at a reasonable hour. It’s fear. It’s invincibility. It’s wishing you had a remote to fast forward to a better time or just rewind to one and hit pause like that Adam Sandler movie. It’s the biggest motivator you’ve ever felt. It’s the biggest robbery of your energy and strength. It’s a kiss in the stomach; a kick on the lips. It’s the greatest pain and the most intense joy. When you feel so bad you wanna scream out with pleasure. When you’re hungry but can’t get full. When there’s nothing on TV, and you keep surfing the channels. It’s the same Facebook feed it was a minute ago while you keep refreshing it. It’s eyes. It’s a quick, first hug. It’s a smile when you’re crying. It’s the rest of the fucking world going on without you and you’re too tired to walk. It’s joy. It’s pure joy. It’s nausea that you can’t vomit out. It’s a roller coaster that you’ve never been on because you’re pretty sure people died on it. It’s a blind wish whispered to a star. It’s the biggest winning lottery ticket of all time. It’s your heartbeat. It’s everyday nostalgia. It’s regret that’s worth it. It’s a cactus that needs water every couple minutes. It’s a camel with no humps. It’s destiny. 

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From the scrolls of the awakening intellect of a great philosopher lost to time… ME

[the following was recorded on mah cell phone before going to bed one night. I edited out some ramblings.]


We need to evolve, because it takes a primitive mind to hate, but it takes a divine mind to love and nurture.
Look at the primitive mind, and look at the mentality of humanity which is to compete and to hate and to be territorial and to fight.

The primitive mind is an energy of masculinity, competitiveness—whatever—proving yourself. The loving mind is a highly evolved mind. It’s a mind of divinity. To love and to nurture; that’s a very feminine energy in the Universe.

It’s very easy to be primitive. It’s very difficult to be evolved, loving, loving of all things. This goes against our evolutionary instinct; loving all things; loving in situations that won’t benefit you, except what they do to you spiritually.

As a people, we need to lift our minds out of materialism. We need to really get away from that. Our materials aren’t going to help us. They aren’t what make us happy; they just make a mess. 

And we think we have the answers, we think we know what makes us happy—and we might not. Because it certainly isn’t material things. I mean, people talk about how all the best things in life are free. All the highest order of pleasure is spiritual. All the highest order of need is spiritual.

If you can’t assess your whole situation relative to everybody else in an objective way, then you’re going to be somewhat of a detestable human being going through life with a rationalization telling you you’re a good person, and you’re not.

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On Giving

If being generous and giving of myself makes me feel good, why don’t I do it more often? If I have enough time to sit around reading mind-numbingly dull posts on Facebook, or read the same type of stuff over-and-over on Reddit, or get in stupid online debates about anything, why do I always use the excuse that I don’t have enough time to help someone?

What is it that shuts down any urge to be generous, even when the execution of that urge makes me feel happy? If you’re of certain religious persuasions, you would call “it” Satan. That seems like a fitting description, and I’m gonna run with this. If God represents any urge that is caring, generous, and unconditionally giving, then Satan would represent the counter-urge to shut that down; the feeling of laziness, the feeling of apathy, the feeling of being self-centered. If God is peace, Satan is war. If God is the hard way, Satan is the easy way out. If God is love, Satan is hate.

Think about what heaven and hell represent. If Hell is the complete absence of God, then Hell would be the complete absence of all caring/generous/giving urges. Hell on Earth would be a place or a time where/when people literally only think about themselves. A place where someone who has just spotted a dying person on the side of the road will pull over just long enough to grab the man’s wallet and expensive watch before driving off again. A place where, if your neighbor’s house is burning, you stay inside yours and watch, all the while feeling thankful that it’s happening to him and not you. Hell would be a place where you would steal bread from a starving child because you’re hungry; a place where every waking/breathing moment is dedicated to self-gain at all costs. Hell would be a drowning pool. If you can’t succeed, you pull everyone else down to your level so you can feel good about yourself. You pray for the failures of others so you can succeed.

Such would be a truly hellish world. A world where every evil act doesn’t have to be rationalized anymore. You simply do the things you do for self-preservation. Every man for himself.

Giving to others is like going to the gym for your spirit. Just as I exercise my body to keep it strong and healthy, I should do the same for my soul. Too often, I neglect my spiritual health in exchange for physical happiness. People can see my body and judge me for how it looks, so of course I’m going to put effort into making it look decent. Nobody can see my soul. Nobody can see the state of my spiritual health, so why worry about it? That’s the mentality. Yet, what kind of person would I be if I continued to allow my spirituality to decay? I would become a hollow shell, entirely of this world, seeking out physical pleasures and material joy. I would be of no benefit to anyone; just get me high and let me relax. That would be my life. Maybe that is my life.

Not anymore.

I’m always complaining about the state of humanity, but it’s time I actually tried to “be the change [I] want to see in the world.” I dislike when people judge me, as I mentioned in my not-so-sober post before this, but I still judge other people based on how they dress, whether they work, etc, as if these are the criteria to be a good human being. There are plenty of people who dress sharp and have high paying jobs that are dead spiritually.

The true evil in my life is my possessions, especially the money that I’m starting to make. What is it about money? Humans, being the flawed creatures that we are, seem to associate the joy of the experiences and things money can buy with the money itself. Money isn’t a means to an end with us, it’s the end itself. Money’s only purpose is to be spent, so why do I want to hoard it?

I’m all for the “rainy day fund,” because that’s called expecting the unexpected. I’m all for saving money so you can pay rent, pay for groceries, pay bills, pay loans, etc. Nobody thinks highly of the guy who just blows all his money the second he gets it.

What about the rest of the money, though? The “play money?” What about that? Why don’t people want to spend their play money? It’s play money! What is it about seeing money in our bank accounts that makes us happy? We aren’t doing anything with that money, we’re just holding on to it. We’re not waiting for something to come up that will make us want to spend it. We’re simply holding it for the sake of seeing it in our bank account, because that’s what makes us happy.

Someone comes up to us and asks us for money, and we don’t give any. I might have $100 in cash in my wallet, so what makes me think I’m more entitled to this money than a homeless person? Because he might blow anything I give him on alcohol? Who am I to judge? The dude is homeless! If anyone could use a drink, he does. Is it because I worked for it? Is that how I want society to operate? You get nothing if you didn’t work for it? Oops, sorry, no medical care for you because you didn’t do anything to earn it. You need money to feed your kids? Sorry, get a job. You’re homeless? YOUR FAULT.

Remember the hellish world I described? Imagine the opposite. The only way we can achieve that is my fighting against that counter-urge, that evil presence within ourselves that convinces us, through rationalization, not to care for anyone else; to elevate ourselves above others.

I need to remind myself that I can’t take ANYTHING, not even my own body, into the afterlife. I need to remind myself that, as long as we’re all here on this Earth, we should make the best of this situation and create a beautiful and loving reality.


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It’s midnight. The lights are out. I have a glass of wine, and I’m listening to some of the most beautiful music to ease me into my night off.

I’m noticing a theme though. As I dose off (something I’ve been doing all night), I start dreaming about work. Nothing dramatic; just normal stuff. Me being told to do whatever normal chore I do during my shift.

It really emphasizes the understated, but essential off-night. That one night amidst several work nights when one can just throw on some Hendrix or Coltrane and lean back into the darkness, soaking it all in. MAN it’s nice.

Ohhh snap…it’s Ella Fitzgerald now. Whatever that tense feeling known as “stress” was, it’s gone now. Most of the time, I just close my eyes and imagine I’m flying through space. Not on a ship, but just me. Soaring aimlessly; dancing on different planets. Ella’s voice is a warm blanket wrapped around me, lulling me to sweet dreams.

Life seems to go in fast-forward a lot of times. I’m paraphrasing Ferris Bueller, but if you don’t stop to look around, you might miss it. I feel like everyone needs moments like this when they can just unplug from existence and take stock of what is beautiful in their lives.

I think the decision to keep the lights off was a good one. The darkness reiterates that vital feeling of complete mystery that is so prominent in this life; essential for artistic inspiration. Ella’s voice is melting my mind right now.

To slow down and appreciate all the beauty is what I want to do as much as I can.


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